if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she smelled like a LAN party
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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