i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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