at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
