my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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