If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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