Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis