I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
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This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
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It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES