You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.