Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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