i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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