she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
