Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
