is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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