At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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