I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
