dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
