i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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