I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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