I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
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As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize