I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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