how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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