I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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