my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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