I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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