i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
