I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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