Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I smell like Dick and happiness
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
