6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
