If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it hurts more in the daytime
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
