She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My dick has a subreddit
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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