Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
