Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
