also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
