your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
