Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
