May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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