I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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