Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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