saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
