My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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