Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
