i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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