My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
