he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
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Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
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he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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