So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
