if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
