we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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