Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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