When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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