I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
