You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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