I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
