i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
